The Gholam
by Kamarile
Summary: Here's a parody of Poe's classic, "The Raven". WARNING: SPOILERS! Don't read this if you haven't finished the sixth book, Lord of Chaos.


The Gholam  
-By Kamarile-  
  
  
  
  
Once upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered, weak and weary  
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-  
I was happily reclining when at once there came a gliding  
As of someone gently sliding, sliding underneath my door.  
"'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, sliding underneath my door-  
Only this and nothing more."  
  
Ah, distinctly I recall it, it was in the early fall, it  
Was the school that had been founded by the infamous al'Thor.  
In this school had I been studying, all my head my thoughts were muddying  
While cows in the fields were cud-dying, all of Cairhien was at war-  
With Sammael and with Couladin was Cairhien at war-  
So it seemed, forevermore.  
  
And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each tie-dye curtain   
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;  
So that now, to still the beating of my heart I stool, repeating:  
"'Tis some visitor entreating entrance underneath my door-  
Some late visitor that's sliding underneath my chamber door-  
That it is and nothing more."  
  
Presently my soul grew stronger, freaking out I was no longer.  
"Sir," said I, "or Lord or Mistress, your forgiveness I implore;  
But in fact, I was reclining and so gently you came gliding  
And so faintly you came sliding underneath my chamber door,  
That I scarce was sure I heard you" -here I opened wide the door-  
Darkness there and nothing more.  
  
Deep into the darkness staring, long I stood there, madly glaring,  
Saying "Blood and bloody ashes!" more than ever I'd before;  
But the silence was unbroken and the stillness gave no token-  
Not a fish or frog was croakin', so it must've been al'Thor-  
That Dragon must've channeled, so the blame was on al'Thor-  
Merely this and nothing more.  
  
Back into the chamber stumbling, in my head my thoughts were tumbling  
When again I heard the sliding somewhat louder than before  
"On my window it is kneading, and there is no use retreating-  
Once I check, I'll finish reading," said I, ready to explore.  
"Let me light my pipe and then I will this mystery explore-  
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"   
  
Then I opened up the window, and with many a twist and bend-o  
In there slipped a wiry Gholam of the happy days of yore  
Not the slightest greeting made he, but upon the floor did tread he  
As if Trolloc, lord or lady climbed atop my chamber door  
On the lively bust of Laman just above my chamber door  
Perched and sat, and nothing more.   
  
Then this Shadowspawn beguiling my sad fancy into smiling  
By the cross-eyed bucktoothed smile and the countenance it wore  
"Since you're wiry and you're tall, um, thou must not have had a fall, um,  
Ghastly, grim and ancient Gholam from the Age of Legends lore!  
Oh, and tell me what your name is, bit of Age of Legends lore!  
Quoth the Gholam, "Nevermore."   
  
Much I marveled this ungainly thing to hear discourse so plainly  
As if it could stop me sending all my research to al'Thor  
For we cannot help agreeing that no LIVING human being  
Ever yet was blessed with seeing Gholam on his chamber door  
Nor a Fade upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door  
With a name like "Nevermore."   
  
But the Gholam, looking silly, or at times about to kill-y  
Gave a glare, as if that glare could rip out heart and blood and gore  
Nothing further did he utter, not a weapon did he flutter  
Till I said in trembling stutter, "Oh, my head is really sore,  
Till tomorrow, wait to kill me when my head is not so sore!  
Quoth the Gholam, "Nevermore."   
  
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so quickly spoken  
"Heh," said I, "I think that I will soon be going to the store;  
I will by a Crown of Swords and I will study all the words...  
Oh, RJ's such a bunch of turds! Oh look at what I must endure!  
I'm sure that I'll be kill'd off, but till then I must endure  
Shadowspawn and 'Nevermore'!"   
  
But the Gholam still beguiling all my fancy into smiling  
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of Gholam, bust and door  
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to thinking:  
"If all Aes Sedai were linking, would this creature leave my door?  
Would this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt old Gholam leave my door?  
One that's saying "Nevermore?"  
  
Thus I sat engaged in guessing but no syllable expressing  
To the thing, whose evil cross-eyes burned into my bosom's core  
This and more I sat and wondered, pretty sure that I had blundered  
And the clear night sky had thundered- yes! It must've been al'Thor!  
Would old Randy come and save me? Oh, thank heaven for al'Thor!  
But he'd come, ah, nevermore!   
  
Then, methought, the air grew denser, as if dimmed out by a censor  
Who would not admit this verse due to profanity and gore.  
"Children, 'blood and bloody ashes' isn't where the fame and cash is  
Do not swear or play with matches, do not channel like al'Thor  
You can start a fire if you try to channel like al'Thor.  
That's my message, nothing more."   
  
"Gholam!" said I, "Thing of evil! Gholam still, if beast or devil!  
Whether Dark One sent, or whether Chosen tossed thee here ashore!  
Wherefore hast thou ripped my leg off? Why my leg that thou must take off?  
You are one I couldn't beg off- please do help me, I implore!  
I am bleeding quite profusely and your help I must implore!"  
Quoth the Gholam, "Nevermore."  
  
"Gholam!" said I, "Thing of evil! Gholam still, if beast or devil!  
By the Light that shines above us, by Creator I adore!  
Why my two arms have you severed? What great task hast thou endeavored?  
Oh, to have thee tarred and feathered, Shadowspawn that I abhor!  
Like a chicken or a Raven, Shadowspawn that I abhor!"  
Quoth the Gholam, "Nevermore."   
  
"Be that word our sign of parting, buck-toothed fiend," I shrieked, upstarting,   
But I did forget: most of my limbs were lying on the floor.  
So I tripped and fell on my face, bleeding all over of over the place  
And I tried to muster some grace, but I tripped again once more-  
It is hard to walk on one leg, with no arms it's even more.  
Quoth the Gholam, "Nevermore."   
  
And the Gholam, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting  
On the lively bust of Laman just above my chamber door  
And his eyes have all the seeming of a Myrrdraal that is dreaming  
And he's very good at creaming men and channelers galore  
And my yucky corpse is one of all those poor victims galore-  
Victim of a "Nevermore!"  
-  



End file.
